Wednesday, January 25, 2012

When you believe

I truly believe that if I'm committed to fight for my well-being and happiness, I would reap the rewards I deserve. I hold a strong belief that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Life's full of challenges and there won't be any short-cuts of settling it. These challenges are not easily met but if we chose confidence over fear, hope over despair, believe me, they will be met.

CFA exam is one of the challenges that I voluntarily chose to meet. I've been hearing hearsay that it's one the most motherfucking exam one would've taken. Level 1 is just the beginning steps toward hell and based on the statistics, only 38% of global candidates passed the test in last December. I passed the exam not because of sheer luck, but I was there to prove that if I struggled, sacrificed and grind my hands and brains into raw meat, I could have be the one that succeed. For the record, my education background is biology based, I've never received any training in financial disciplines, including but not limited to accounting principles, financial quantitative formulae, economics and the concepts of time investing, etc. I do not regard the exam as the passage to hell, but rather, as a testament to my ability and my belief. I have developed strong interests in finance and despite my background and lack of the education thereof, I still can fight against the odds and proving that with hardship, I could differentiate from the rest of the cynic packs. And level 1 exam is just the beginning. I believe if anyone can do so, so am I.

The result was sent to my mailbox yesterday night. I wasn't aware of it as I went out alone and wanted have a chat with my buddy. I went to bukit expo alone, soaking in the rain, indulging myself in sweet and sour memories. Then, I went to find my friends to vent out my despair as I'd been struggling to find peace in my soul the whole day. Even until now, I'm still coping with my emotions, I only checked the result moment ago as I was thinking, what was the point of checking the result as she wasn't there with me to enjoy my sweet tears of success or consoling me when I suffered the pain of failure?

One day it'll be rainbow. It will. 

I dedicate the result for my family and also to an important person, whom was briefly featured in my previous post. She used to taunt me that with the amount of time being spent going out with her, did I really have time to prepare for the examination? I grinned, I said I could, and I think she did have a doubt on it. In fact, she always asked me "Don't you think you were wasting time on me?". One thing I always wanted her to know that while we're meeting out there, I also spent my private time solely for the examination. I woke up very early in the morning to revise a few chapters. I revised again before having dinner even if I got very tired from works. I woke up very early again on the weekends just to make up the time for studying. But when I was feeling strained with these routine, her figure would come to my mind. I can divide my time for her even at the cost of reading lesser materials, but that didn't matter, I strongly believe I can strike a balance between my work, my study and as well as her. That was my pledge for 2012 and she was my witness. I can still do it for I have fiery passions for all my pledges and also for those who believe in me. But for now, I'm feeling devastated and it's hard for me to find strength for doing these. 

She was one of my motivating factors that I need to try harder and harder so that when I succeed, I want her to be right by my side to witness my success, and so telling her that if I could do it, she CAN as well! I remember the end of last November, a period in which she went back to her hometown and I didn't see her for two weeks. It was an excruciating time as I tormented myself days and nights on the CFA syllabus and what was more, I missed her and I wanted to see her, even for brief moment, but in the end, reading and reading were the only thing I could do. Meantime, she mentioned before that she was facing tremendous stress but she won't tell me what was it about, I felt helpless for I wasn't there when she needed support, I kept on sharing quotes and songs that would inspire faith in herself, believing herself that she can make her dreams come true. One of it, "Rainbow Connection", hoping that she'd realize that not every wish would be answered, but if she truly believed it, she will eventually find her own "Rainbow Connection". This is the first theme song between me and her:

What's so amazing that keeps us stargazing? And what do we think we might see? Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers and me.

I sincerely hope she won't forget about this. As she considers the road that unfolds before her, it is ultimately her faith and determination that will lead her life's journey. That it is herself to shape an uncertain destiny, not anyone; this is her source of confidence, not anyone. Here's another one I told her two days ago:

I always wanted to write a poem about her. But my composition in poetry would be passed as a bucket of shit diarrhea. I've written a draft on the eve of Chinese New Year but left it beside first. And when she wanted to sever ties with me, I was crushed by it, with my emotions so disturbed and in peril, I dedicated a song to her as it was the best to describe herself. Today, with my bleak heart, I will reveal what was I've written to her:

Title: (Her name)

Oh lady, fate has brought us on a sweet summer day,
Ecstatic was I for I thought lady luck smiled upon me.
Yet, no hearts were pour out and true feelings kept at bay,
Unwavering effort you made to stay away as I can see,
Seeking distance to avoid the guilt and fear of seeing me while my dream fades.

Forget, I will not, your fair eyes and dearest smiles,
Yet, selfish as I yearn, casting us to stones,
To gaze your serene grace for eternity. My heart trembles round!
Your undivided kindness, your tears, your voice, swims before my sight,
In seas of flame my plunging soul is drowned.

Are you a dream or the truth?  Or can you be both?
You visit me in nights as well as days,
Prying the fragile heart of a tortured soul.
Elusive you are, like a needle in the hay,
No shaman tells what our future holds,
I will see loss and pain if I do not continue the race,
Crippled, like a denatured glutamate decarboxylase.

Oh lady, what are you to dread?
The shining stars of happiness are hung for you to grab.
I climbed the highest mountain ready for your hands.
While hoping, trembling, in the sky I pray,
Rise! The faith within yourself! And your confidence rolls!

And now, uncertainty lingers in future and time,
What are the cosmic consequences should our hearts falter to kindle?
In searching with memories, to find our pleasure and pain,
What scenes appear when the song plays the melancholy line?
And the rebellious heart beating riot hymns.
Praying for the sight of you in the backdrop of beautiful hill.
For the  time to come, may unity be seen.
My dearest lady, you are always my:
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

I'm still finding the hope and strength to pick myself up again, in time, and God speed her, she will too. I believe we can brave for the icy currents and endure what storms may come. We will tell everyone that we are tested, we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Once You Meet Her

Never thought you could know her,
Where she came from, where she's going.
And once you meet her,
You will find that something inside is changing.

She smiles like a rainbow.
When she comes up, all are lit up.
But when she whispers,
You will hear this: "Don't chase after rainbows".

High on a hill, there's a green meadow.
All around, it's breezing,
She's smiling,
She'll let them sing angel songs.

She's like a fairy
When she's trembling, when she's dancing.
Just see her crying,
How it's nice to hold her in your arms.

You want some meanings of the life,
And go to see her.
Don't ask her too much,
Oh yes, she'll be out of your sight.

High on a hill, there's a green meadow.
All around, it's soothing,
She's smiling, wryly.
She'll sing the sun into sleep.

Everyone is sad and blue when she is far away.
Don't you know it's time to pray she'll be coming soon?
And you think you hear her voice ringing from above.

And no one knows it
Where she came from, where she's going.
And once you meet her,
Maybe you'll stay forever young.

Dedicated to a fairy who sings angel songs and also showing me that love isn't about the person you are loving but about your ability and willingness to love them truly no matter what.

...and one day in her life, she wants to be happy again, I'll always be there.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Crazy little thing called...

I forgot when did this happen, maybe years ago, I've had such a discussion with a friend of mine on "what love is" and we both have somewhat different opinions on love.

His opinion: Love is something that no one truly knows, we just have strong feelings for your partner, heterosexual or otherwise.

Mine: Love isn't something you say, its an action. When you put your partners needs above your own. That's the gist of it, but there was more.

and when years ago by again, I think my perception was somewhat reinforced again, perhaps morphed by recent extraordinary events that occurred onto me. I think true love is not being able to picture your life without a person. Not being able to imagine for an instant you won't grow old together. To be with someone and feel complete, just because you're with them. To see their faults, acknowledge them, cherish them. To see them at their best, when they're at their worst. To know that whatever happens, whatever tomorrow will bring, if they're there, you can face it with them and do so gladly.

But it's more than that. In the physical sense it's valuing someone else's pleasure and happiness more than your own, it's striving to give them as much pleasure as they give you and then just that bit more... because it's them. It's being completely and totally happy even if it's just walking down the street or seeing the sun set at the horizon, together.

Dante and Beatrice, by Henry Holiday.

Then again, we might not be together, for now. "Does it really matter?", wondering myself, well, yes, longing alone again for a better future. But this is a matter of time again. What matters is that I care for her. Just for this notion alone, it will be part of the reason why she occupies her unique place in my heart.

"All my little plans and schemes,
lost like some forgotten dreams.
Seems that all I really was doing
was waitin' for you.

Just like little girls and boys,
playing with their little toys.
Seems like all we really were doing
was waitin' for love.

Don't need to be alone,
No need to be alone.

It's real love, it's real,
Yes it's real love, it's real.

From this moment on I know,
exactly where my life will go.
Seems that all I really was doing
was waitin' for love.

Don't need to be afraid,
No need to be afraid.

It's real love, it's real,
Yes it's real love, it's real.

Thought I'd been in love before,
but in my heart I wanted more.
Seems like all I really was doing
was waitin' for you.

Don't to be alone,
No need to be alone.

It's real love, yeah it's real,
It's real love, it's real!"