Thursday, March 31, 2011

Pringles: crazy stupid flavors

What is best served together with cold beer, violent action movie and sitting my lazy ass in my cozy sofa? Yep, a nice bag of potato chips calorie bomb. Depending on my paycheck, I would get a Mister Potato during early of the month and a bag of Lay's. Never in my shopping checklist will include Pringles. Why? Simply for the fact that it just doesn't taste good as compared with the two I mentioned, no wait, it just tastes like shit with time goes by. It's not as crunchy, it tastes more like wheat starch than potato starch, it's so salty that my pee would come out denser than sea water after I had Pringles, it's just totally rubbish! 

The only thing Pringles is good at is when I hold a can of Pringles and wave it to small kids at kindergarten, I'll tell them that I'll give each of them a piece of the chip and they will cheer and surround me merrily like the pigeons waiting for old hags to feed them rice, then I'll toss it every single Pringles to the ground and stomp on each of them. I'll savor the scene of tears dropping from the eyes of innocent kids. BWAHAHAHA!!

I just don't understand. With so much money being invested into advertisements and promotion, why didn't the marketing buffoon of P&G spend at least some dime to make it more edible? It really epitomizes the term "junk food", it's a pariah crisps for homeless bozos whom would dig from rubbish and subsist on it. Instead of improving its savoriness, P&G chooses to improving its "flavoring". That's right, more flavors meaning more artificial flavoring being developed and added into the already awful chip recipe.

Here are some crappy chips with quirky flavors to lure gullible teens wasting their money on crappy products and develop stomach cancer/high blood pressure in their later life:

I think this is the abomination that lead me into hating Pringles. Eating this is like eating spoonful of salt.

Really? WTF is this? Since when Grand Canyon is known for french fries??

Are those Chicken Wings? Are they flavored after chicken wings that were dropped on the floor? What???

No longer exists. Packaging looks like shit to me. Also, Doritos own corn chips, got it?
Best served during clubbing, drinking lots of booze and getting laid, waking up next morning finding a bull lying next to you

Blueberry + Hazelnut = butterfly in your colon

Won't try this. Sour cream piss me enough already, but Pringles have to go so far to break down consumers' kidneys

Pickles taste like shit. Pickle-flavored Pringles taste like the pickles you ate passing through your rectum and you pick it up and eat it again. Trust me, I tasted this before and I loathe it.
Non halal Pringles.

Bad attitude Pringles with bad taste
Fat-free Pringles with Olean! Think you can get away from escaping the diabolical lipids that makes your balance having a hard time to support you beneath? Well, think again, Olean is the stuff that allegedly makes your ass spew more greasy shits.  
More rubbish... in jumbo size!

Argh! All this writing is making me hungry for more chips, going to get some Lay's as carbo-loading. Chips that kick serious ass.

Chips for winner. This is what Gods eat after they're done getting laid

Honorable mention:
I heard eating this is akin to having a FINE DINING experience. Only in U.K. I'll import it one day.

Monday, March 28, 2011

This is my post dedicated to everyone

Thanks for stopping by, chumps.

To answer the first "related search", here's my reply:

Oh btw, butthole surfers is a rock band with a hit single "pepper". What? What were you trying to imagine?

Why butthole hurts? You have tried doing this. Didn't you?

Itchy butthole? Try de-itch it this way:

Stupidometer for 7/10 (Isn't asshole synonymous with butthole?)

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Earth Hour: I turned on all the lights to celebrate

I wonder how many tree huggers have really supported Earth Hour yesterday night? Yes, it seems like a wonderful idea to gather people from around the world making a good symbolic gesture to our mother nature by switching off the lights for an hour (8.30 - 9.30 pm). Wow, after two years since this activity was started, do people still believe this bullshit that they really can make a difference by that?

I seriously doubt what can this campaign really do? Changing the perception of earthlings that our mother Earth is so ill and as the children of Gaia, we can contribute our individual effort to change the fate of Earth? No, it's just a license for smugs who are the real culprit of energy wastage to feel good about themselves in that puny one hour. Anyone who brags about how they did Earth Hour and how awesome they are for doing it should post their typical monthly electricity usage. Although I suspect quite a few might slink away from that offer.   

Then again, those proponents of Earth Hour would argue that this campaign creates awareness among the people and helps popularizing the concept of energy conservation so that people might push it for populist reason. They say, "think of it as petition for Earth". Shit, like I said above, most people I know who were supporting it did this to feel much better for themselves. After this is over, they will start forgetting all about this and continue the fucking habits of cranking up the wattage output.  For examples, they're still leave their PCs on after work, charging their phones all the day long, fingering their iPhones for no reasons, pressing the pedal and rev their engines as loud as possible, etc. 

I also wonder how wonder how much of electricity can be saved within an hour all lights in the house are off? Turning off your lights for one hour isn't going to make up for all the hours you leave them on, if you're really serious about saving the environment, you need to be frugal in all areas in life to minimize your impact, an hour is just enough to make some petty environmental point. Also, I've seen people posting pictures showing them having some fun time under the candle lights. Way to go to save the Earth, dipshits. Candles or kerosene products would leave even more carbon footprints than what you've done if you leave the lights on. I have also seen people driving around just to check out any anti-environmentalists who were being naughty for sabotaging the nature by lighting themselves like there's a wedding ball going on. Wow, by driving around that area you would have burnt a few litres of petrol (RM1.90/L if she was pumping RON95) and produce enough coals for you to have a decent sauna. On behalf of Earth, thanks for giving me Asthma, bitch. Since everyone is doing their part of killing the Earth, might as well for me to join forces too:

My house during Earth Hour. It's Christmas all year long.

So are you thinking I'm an asswipe who is currently killing the Earth by posting this nonsensical article? Tell you what, I can proclaim myself as a energy conservationist even more pious than you. To me, Earth hour should be every hour. I leave lights off when I'm not in the room; I do full loads of laundry, with cold water, and hang dry some of my clothes; I walk or cycle if I can and grab my stuff at local grocery stores; I don't leave my car's engine running while idle, this one drives me crazy, why the fuck people let their motor run while they pop in somewhere after 15 minutes; Also, I UNPLUG ALL MY ELECTRONICS WHEN THEY'RE NOT USED, how many of you all would do this, hmm? This year I'm going to do the same thing I did last year. My footprint is small already. 

Know what? There are two ways that can make Earth Hour a successful campaign:

1. Committing mass suicide all around the globe at local time 8.30 - 9.30 PM! That will be the best use of one hour for Earth ever! I think that once we die out, in a couple hundred years, Earth is going to have a Human hour, you know, to remember us. One hour a year she is gonna laugh and laugh and shake our bones.

2. Have a great sex! It will be the best time for you and your spouse to rekindle the long lost romance or discover a new one!

"Hey honey, I'm trying to go green and we should really think about the environment."

"Yeah, that's a good idea. What do you plan we do?"

"Have sex."

"How does that save the environment?"

"Well it's Earth Day today and for one hour we're supposed to shut all our power and lights off. Since we're going to have nothing to do for an hour in the dark. I suggest we just have crazy sex."

"Oh really? One hour? That's a good time for us to have a talk about our future. We should have a long discussion about where we see ourselves in 5 years."

"Well.... 1 hour isn't going to make a difference... What is one person turning off their power going to do for the environment? Probably not much. Let's forget I even mentioned it."

"But what about us???"

"I dunno but I suddenly feel the urge to buy a Hummer though."

Okay, cynical remarks aside, it's not really bad campaign. I just feel that the whole idea just doesn't hit the mark. It talks about creating awareness but how much of awareness is being created? I think WWF should do more homework on changing the public's outlook by educating the people about the benefits of energy conversation and how easy it can be done. Useful concepts such as recycling, installation of energy-efficient appliances, save fuel and drive energy-efficient automobiles, etc. Non of these ideas were being mentioned, not even in the format of a small little piece of colorful brochures or on TV advertisement! The "message" is so meaningless that it amounts to nothing. I mean, if it was something practical like "Plant a tree hour" or "don't waste water week" or "No diriving evening" something that would actually start a long-term practice or change in people's lifestyle, then it would be something. Also, why WWF isn't bold enough to go further? One hour is too small a step and people would go amnesiac after this. If it were up to me, I'd do an Earth Week, NO ELECTRICITY FOR A WEEK, unless you need it for life support or to run electric fences to keep velociraptors away.

Too bad Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Truth" wasn't shown in Malaysia due to his snide remark over our ex-PM Mahathir Mohamad. It's a great documentary that tell us we have fucked our mother Earth too much and we're paying for the consequences. It's a shame that political sentiments triumph over the need of teaching our people on the importance of preserving the environment. Our policymakers are also too dumb to initiate incentives such as providing funds for electric/hybrid automobile development, propagation of biodiesel usage, etc. Even ironic, they're having a party just to present that stupid project called Economic Transformation Programme, can't they just do it on TV or newspaper in lieu of collective shit pile of carbon footprints in a stadium?? That's a very deafening way to shout "FUCK YOU" in the face of mother nature.

The point of this discussion is not to make a farce out of Earth Hour as it is a step in the right direction, but that's just it. It is a step, and merely that. Turning one's lights off for an hour will do absolutely nothing for the environment if you don't take it further. Earth Hour is not an event to change the environment, it's an event planned to change our outlook. To make us start thinking of all the environmental choices we make each day, good or bad, that can be a simple as turning out the lights. If we start thinking about these decisions more and more and consciously try to make the more environmentally friendly ones, that is what will change our world. This Earth Hour, don't just turn off your lights, turn on your environmental consciousness.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Camwhore or: How I Learned to be retarded and start making stupid faces

If I was being asked how will I stereotype the Asian, well, there are two things: they eat rice and practice excessive camwhoring. A glance over my female friends on Facebook will find 80% of them are liable to regular camwhoring activities and all of them have had camwhored at least once in their life. The term camwhore is used to describe people who can’t seem to stop taking pictures of embedded image themselves. They camwhore anytime and anywhere, primarily, but not limited to, their rooms, toilet (where they can camwhore in front of the big mirror), dressing room (again, big mirror), in a taxi, in boyfriend/husband car and before they dine.

I'm proud of my yellow skin heritage. Search "camwhore" on Google Image and 90% of yields (153,000 pictures out of 170,000) are Asian descendant (Are you appearing in one of 170,000 search results?). We rule the front cover!

Generally, camwhores always have a facebook account with at least 30 pictures of themselves and usually have more then one photo album. Occasionally, they blog, but do not expect any epic literature or mind opening reading material as their posts are mainly pictures of them indulging in their sweet narcissism.   

I have no idea where did this rage of camwhoring originated, I suspect it began since the advent of picture-taking mobile phone when recording digital media with these devices are becoming increasingly easy. It become so popular among the youth, especially teenage girls, that it has evolved into some sort of obsessive compulsive disorder. There is no known cure for such disorder, but expect they would go hysterical or even committing suicide if their mobile phones go kaput or internet connection is removed. Why do camwhores engage in such shameless self promotion? That's easy, it's simply the most cost-effective way to grab attention, mainly the attention of the opposite gender. This is affirmed by a camwhore herself,

Because this is a very significant cultural movement in our age, albeit a very silly one, and that is my work to record this down. I'm really stupefied on how the younger generation can be so shameless and conceited enough. But, it takes guts to be shameless camwhore, being a cranky bitch and undressing yourself in front of a cam for middle-aged men isn't as easy as it seems. So the following reading will entail the general tricks a camwhore employ and their purposes, enjoy:

 1. Blurry/Soften

What they want you think:

Artistic, mystical, dreamy.

What it really means:

Fat, covered in acne/pimples/moles/freckles, make-up doesn't look too thick

The usual photoshop trick being applied is "Gaussian Blur". A cool filter that can help soften or blurring the picture in order to wipe out any blemishes stained on your ugly face, when mastered well, it will turn any cranky bitches into Princess Diana

2. Portraits taken in a mirror

What they want you think:

Trendy, it looks cool cuz everybody's doing so

What it really means:

Too god-damn stupid to figure out how to use the timer mode.

3. Extreme angle shot

What they want you think:

Trendy, eccentric, bird view of beauty

What it really means:

Fat face, chubby face or a double chin. Overall, ugly. Perhaps the only picture/angle in existence that hides that.

Asian girls are typically feeling insecure on their puny slitting eyes. Shooting at extreme angle is an essential skill to master in camwhoring 101. Combined with the effect of eyeshadow and fake eyelashes, you'll look like having a pair of eyes as big as a South American Redbelly toads or a case of malfunctioning eye sockets.

4. The V sign

What they want you think:

Groovy, peace, young

What it really means:

Ethnically Asian, Monkey see monkey do, trigger fingers

Ultimate symbol of Asian culture. This V sign initially symbolize "peace" and widely used by the hippies back in the 1970's. Then, I don't know for what reasons, the Japanese adopted this and popularize it in photographs. It has since copied in all over Asia and spread "peace" to wherever they go at speed like . I can bet with you $50 that you can look through all your friend's photo album and not find them "v" sign in it. I get so annoyed that most of my friends will do this "V" sign instinctively whenever a camera is pointing at them. THERE'S NOTHING SO "KAWAII-DESU" ABOUT IT. It is so obnoxious that they look like a caravan of asses, compelling me to admit them into a institute for mentally disabled.

5. Eyes

What they want you think:

Deep, enigmatic, electrifying

What it really means:

WARNING: You might be dealing with a possible Ninja here

6. Pouty face

What they want you think:

Cute & chubby, young, innocent, thick lips, your love and care

What it really means:

Emo, fat, horse face like Sarah Jessica Parker, "how old are you already??", fragile, critical case of tonsilitis/tonsil cancer

Noted some camwhores don't smile? That's because guys dig girls who constantly putting up emo faces. These girls may also have online monikers like "2_HOT_4_U". It's very important to mope and look depressed because people don't like talking to other people in a good mood. Depressed losers are cool and totally original, don't hold back!

Another noteworthy feature is that these girls use bad grammar or punctuation. Why type "you're" when you can type "ur"? Being coherent is overrated on the net.

7. Cleavage shot

What they want you think:

Well-endowed, sexy?, your attention span on her for at least 5 seconds (Hellooo.... can you stop looking the boobs and read my post? Thanks!!)

What it really means:


9. Dark photo

What they want you think:

Dark, deep, distant, mysterious, enigmatic

What it really means:


10. Bucky tooth

What they want you think:

Cute, adorable, sexy?

What it really means:

Too poor to get a a braces or orthodontic correction.

How much wood
would a woodchuck chuck,
if a woodchuck
could chuck wood?

As much wood
As a woodchuck would,
if a woodchuck
could chuck wood.

11. Long nasty hair

What they want you think:

Gothic, Vocal/drummer in a band, down with the scene

What it really means:

Too much of a bum to afford shampoo or a haircut

I have no idea what's up with gothic guys. They're enjoy being emotional, lonely and listen to Kurt Kobain. They wish apocalypse really happen in 2012 and drown in their sweet tears of seeing the world falling altogether. And, they write bad poem like this:

fire... burning... agony...
sultry shivers of a dark essence
why am i tortured with this nihilistic existence?
bitter... darkness... despair.

Notice the constant lower case? i added that touch to be unique. unique people type in lower case.

12. Cheesy glasses

What they want you think:

Smart, it's cool to be smart, it's cool to look like 70's

What it really means:

Too much of a bum to get metallic glasses; had a bad case of contact lens related infection; has settled for the glasses people donate to the old folks

I call that a pair of "EMO" glasses. No pseudo-intellectual camwhore is complete without a pair of ultra-hip "EMO" glasses. This is a kind of item you need to wear to impress people that you're a person who reads Leo Tolstoy. You won't be mistaken for anything short of an astro-physicist, or a theoretical physicist of some sort. 

If you want to go the extra mile and really seal the deal, wear plugs in your ear lobes so you have giant nasty sagging flaps of skin hanging off of your head. It'll look great when you pull your head out of your ass and go to a job interview some day. Then again, you're EMO; you don't need a job. You're totally unique, and all unique people wear box-framed nerd glasses. Even though real nerds wear glasses like these, they're not cool because they wear their glasses out of necessity.

13. Dude Wearing Makeup

What they want you think:

Vocal/drummer in a band, down with the scene, participant of Astro Star Quest

What it really means:

WARNING: he may love the cock. 

14. Dude with up-close shot

What they want you think:

Confident, trendy, have skin complexion that is comparable with any spokeswomen of SKII

What it really means:

WARNING: he may love the cock; Narcissism overloads.

If the guy above has a narcissism with scale measuring in Gray (Gy), Japan would have been sunken under red hot pile of radioactive Plutonium and we have to start wearing leaded suit. Noted the poor lighting being employed, this is a very useful trick when you're worried that you're not cut out to be a camwhore because you look like a stretched out sack of shit? No problem, just turn up the brightness and contrast to hide your skin blemishes! Zits, black heads, and scars instantly vanish when you convince yourself that you're not a pimply-faced salad dodger by manipulating your image.

Don't worry about integrity, this is the internet, anything goes.

15. Someone with booze

What they want you think:

Fun to hang out, socialite, likes to party

What it really means:

Alcoholic, beer is the best solution to all life's problems; when drunk, will have sex with anything with a heartbeat.

Boy, camwhoring isn't as easy as what I thought. Writing this post certainly burnt up plenty of my time just to telling the public the rules to become an obnoxious camwhore. If you can remember all the rules, practice it through action and in your sleep, in no time you'd be a sensei like her. Yes, gaining fame or $$$ by putting all your pictures online and share it with public through blogging, Facebook or even on your own domain, some 40-year-old middle aged man will save a photo of you, ogling on your cleavage and masturbate every night. Some pervert may also photoshop your picture, put it up on Limewire or P2P crap and now if you google your own name, you can download a zip file of you yourself, for free. You'd live in perpetuity and the file still can be downloaded even long after you're dead. Remember:


It may seem like a lot of work at first, but keep it up and your face will soon be all over the internet. 

Stupidometer of nauseous camwhore gestures: 8/10 (Truly Asian!)