Saturday, March 26, 2011

Camwhore or: How I Learned to be retarded and start making stupid faces

If I was being asked how will I stereotype the Asian, well, there are two things: they eat rice and practice excessive camwhoring. A glance over my female friends on Facebook will find 80% of them are liable to regular camwhoring activities and all of them have had camwhored at least once in their life. The term camwhore is used to describe people who can’t seem to stop taking pictures of embedded image themselves. They camwhore anytime and anywhere, primarily, but not limited to, their rooms, toilet (where they can camwhore in front of the big mirror), dressing room (again, big mirror), in a taxi, in boyfriend/husband car and before they dine.


I'm proud of my yellow skin heritage. Search "camwhore" on Google Image and 90% of yields (153,000 pictures out of 170,000) are Asian descendant (Are you appearing in one of 170,000 search results?). We rule the front cover!




Generally, camwhores always have a facebook account with at least 30 pictures of themselves and usually have more then one photo album. Occasionally, they blog, but do not expect any epic literature or mind opening reading material as their posts are mainly pictures of them indulging in their sweet narcissism.   


I have no idea where did this rage of camwhoring originated, I suspect it began since the advent of picture-taking mobile phone when recording digital media with these devices are becoming increasingly easy. It become so popular among the youth, especially teenage girls, that it has evolved into some sort of obsessive compulsive disorder. There is no known cure for such disorder, but expect they would go hysterical or even committing suicide if their mobile phones go kaput or internet connection is removed. Why do camwhores engage in such shameless self promotion? That's easy, it's simply the most cost-effective way to grab attention, mainly the attention of the opposite gender. This is affirmed by a camwhore herself, http://starblog.stomp.com.sg/post.php?blogid=1298.


Because this is a very significant cultural movement in our age, albeit a very silly one, and that is my work to record this down. I'm really stupefied on how the younger generation can be so shameless and conceited enough. But, it takes guts to be shameless camwhore, being a cranky bitch and undressing yourself in front of a cam for middle-aged men isn't as easy as it seems. So the following reading will entail the general tricks a camwhore employ and their purposes, enjoy:



 1. Blurry/Soften







What they want you think:

Artistic, mystical, dreamy.

What it really means:


Fat, covered in acne/pimples/moles/freckles, make-up doesn't look too thick


The usual photoshop trick being applied is "Gaussian Blur". A cool filter that can help soften or blurring the picture in order to wipe out any blemishes stained on your ugly face, when mastered well, it will turn any cranky bitches into Princess Diana

2. Portraits taken in a mirror


















What they want you think:

Trendy, it looks cool cuz everybody's doing so

What it really means:

Too god-damn stupid to figure out how to use the timer mode.

3. Extreme angle shot



















What they want you think:

Trendy, eccentric, bird view of beauty

What it really means:

Fat face, chubby face or a double chin. Overall, ugly. Perhaps the only picture/angle in existence that hides that.


Asian girls are typically feeling insecure on their puny slitting eyes. Shooting at extreme angle is an essential skill to master in camwhoring 101. Combined with the effect of eyeshadow and fake eyelashes, you'll look like having a pair of eyes as big as a South American Redbelly toads or a case of malfunctioning eye sockets.


4. The V sign

What they want you think:


Groovy, peace, young


What it really means:


Ethnically Asian, Monkey see monkey do, trigger fingers


Ultimate symbol of Asian culture. This V sign initially symbolize "peace" and widely used by the hippies back in the 1970's. Then, I don't know for what reasons, the Japanese adopted this and popularize it in photographs. It has since copied in all over Asia and spread "peace" to wherever they go at speed like . I can bet with you $50 that you can look through all your friend's photo album and not find them "v" sign in it. I get so annoyed that most of my friends will do this "V" sign instinctively whenever a camera is pointing at them. THERE'S NOTHING SO "KAWAII-DESU" ABOUT IT. It is so obnoxious that they look like a caravan of asses, compelling me to admit them into a institute for mentally disabled.


5. Eyes







What they want you think:

Deep, enigmatic, electrifying

What it really means:

WARNING: You might be dealing with a possible Ninja here

6. Pouty face


















What they want you think:

Cute & chubby, young, innocent, thick lips, your love and care

What it really means:

Emo, fat, horse face like Sarah Jessica Parker, "how old are you already??", fragile, critical case of tonsilitis/tonsil cancer


Noted some camwhores don't smile? That's because guys dig girls who constantly putting up emo faces. These girls may also have online monikers like "2_HOT_4_U". It's very important to mope and look depressed because people don't like talking to other people in a good mood. Depressed losers are cool and totally original, don't hold back!


Another noteworthy feature is that these girls use bad grammar or punctuation. Why type "you're" when you can type "ur"? Being coherent is overrated on the net.

7. Cleavage shot


















What they want you think:

Well-endowed, sexy?, your attention span on her for at least 5 seconds (Hellooo.... can you stop looking the boobs and read my post? Thanks!!)

What it really means:

SWEET MERCIFUL JESUS WHY YOU HAVE TO TORTURE ME LIKE THIS???


9. Dark photo




































What they want you think:


Dark, deep, distant, mysterious, enigmatic


What it really means:


Fat.


10. Bucky tooth


















What they want you think:


Cute, adorable, sexy?


What it really means:


Too poor to get a a braces or orthodontic correction.



How much wood
would a woodchuck chuck,
if a woodchuck
could chuck wood?


As much wood
As a woodchuck would,
if a woodchuck
could chuck wood.





11. Long nasty hair


What they want you think:

Gothic, Vocal/drummer in a band, down with the scene

What it really means:

Too much of a bum to afford shampoo or a haircut




I have no idea what's up with gothic guys. They're enjoy being emotional, lonely and listen to Kurt Kobain. They wish apocalypse really happen in 2012 and drown in their sweet tears of seeing the world falling altogether. And, they write bad poem like this:


fire... burning... agony...
sultry shivers of a dark essence
why am i tortured with this nihilistic existence?
bitter... darkness... despair.

Notice the constant lower case? i added that touch to be unique. unique people type in lower case.

12. Cheesy glasses

























What they want you think:

Smart, it's cool to be smart, it's cool to look like 70's

What it really means:

Too much of a bum to get metallic glasses; had a bad case of contact lens related infection; has settled for the glasses people donate to the old folks




I call that a pair of "EMO" glasses. No pseudo-intellectual camwhore is complete without a pair of ultra-hip "EMO" glasses. This is a kind of item you need to wear to impress people that you're a person who reads Leo Tolstoy. You won't be mistaken for anything short of an astro-physicist, or a theoretical physicist of some sort. 


If you want to go the extra mile and really seal the deal, wear plugs in your ear lobes so you have giant nasty sagging flaps of skin hanging off of your head. It'll look great when you pull your head out of your ass and go to a job interview some day. Then again, you're EMO; you don't need a job. You're totally unique, and all unique people wear box-framed nerd glasses. Even though real nerds wear glasses like these, they're not cool because they wear their glasses out of necessity.


13. Dude Wearing Makeup










What they want you think:

Vocal/drummer in a band, down with the scene, participant of Astro Star Quest

What it really means:

WARNING: he may love the cock. 

14. Dude with up-close shot











What they want you think:

Confident, trendy, have skin complexion that is comparable with any spokeswomen of SKII

What it really means:

WARNING: he may love the cock; Narcissism overloads.


If the guy above has a narcissism with scale measuring in Gray (Gy), Japan would have been sunken under red hot pile of radioactive Plutonium and we have to start wearing leaded suit. Noted the poor lighting being employed, this is a very useful trick when you're worried that you're not cut out to be a camwhore because you look like a stretched out sack of shit? No problem, just turn up the brightness and contrast to hide your skin blemishes! Zits, black heads, and scars instantly vanish when you convince yourself that you're not a pimply-faced salad dodger by manipulating your image.


Don't worry about integrity, this is the internet, anything goes.


15. Someone with booze


























What they want you think:


Fun to hang out, socialite, likes to party


What it really means:


Alcoholic, beer is the best solution to all life's problems; when drunk, will have sex with anything with a heartbeat.




Boy, camwhoring isn't as easy as what I thought. Writing this post certainly burnt up plenty of my time just to telling the public the rules to become an obnoxious camwhore. If you can remember all the rules, practice it through action and in your sleep, in no time you'd be a sensei like her. Yes, gaining fame or $$$ by putting all your pictures online and share it with public through blogging, Facebook or even on your own domain, some 40-year-old middle aged man will save a photo of you, ogling on your cleavage and masturbate every night. Some pervert may also photoshop your picture, put it up on Limewire or P2P crap and now if you google your own name, you can download a zip file of you yourself, for free. You'd live in perpetuity and the file still can be downloaded even long after you're dead. Remember:


YOU + CAMERA - DIGNITY = ETERNAL FAME

It may seem like a lot of work at first, but keep it up and your face will soon be all over the internet. 


Stupidometer of nauseous camwhore gestures: 8/10 (Truly Asian!)


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